Here's where you'll find my elf stories
I often kill elves in the North Pole, and I've been doing it since I was a child. It doesn't fill me with joy anymore, but I've made a habit of it and can't stop. My favorite locations are the Gumdrop Forest, Sugarfrost Lake, and Great Elf City.
I live in a cave in the Gumdrop Forest, though I occasionally visit Great Elf City to go grocery shopping- One cannot live off elf alone! I tend to antagonize the elves there and they hate me, though they're not smart enough to put two and two together about my actual identity.
Being around them for too long causes me great upset, and my visits to the city are usually followed by another string of missing elves. Santa allows me to do this because I'm his uncle, though if the elves found out I'd surely be in trouble. Luckily for me, any elf who's even gotten close to the truth has vanished (LOL!)
The cave I live in isn't the nicest place, but there's no way I could keep this up if I lived in Elf City. I can usually snatch up a lone elf whenever we cross paths, but they're inclined to hang out in groups.
I often overhear the stories they tell about me while I'm at the store, usually mothers telling their kids to behave lest I kill them. All I have to say to that is well, maybe. Depends on if they get lost in my forest any time soon.
Speaking of lost in my forest, I often find myself facing against the search parties they send out looking for me. They dont know what to look for, or what I'm capable of. No search party that finds me ever returns home.
I'm happy with the way I am, and I never wish to change my ways. I'm unable to go for a very long time without killing an elf, but I've had to restrain myself lately. Elves might not be able to stop me, but the humans that ally with them sure could. I have to lay low for now.
I feel sick even though my body is fine, and I feel hungry even though I just ate. I have to stop writing now, I can sense that someone's outside. Goodbye.
Elf detective after me, knows I prefer to attack lone elves, groups up with like, 30 fucking elf bodygaurds. Freak out. Wash the elf blood scent all off everything. Invite an elf over prior to inspection. Harmless elf smells only. Trying my darndest not to kill the elf visitor. Manages to not kill the elf visitor. Visitor goes home unharmed.
Detective comes by next day. Asks to inspect my cave. Let him in. No elf blood, yet not completely sterile as to suggest there was a deep clean lately. Starts manhandling everything I own.
Finds my lighter. Asks if I smoke. Realize I'm cornered. Yes, hell ask why the place dont smell like cigarette. No, hell ask why I have a near depleted lighter.
Say yes, sometimes though, and only outside. He squints at me. Asks me to show him where I smoke. Keep a straight face but inside I'm planning. Realize it snowed hard recently. Take him to a random gumdrop tree stump and say I usually smoke there.
Seems to buy it. Looks frustrated, like he should have accounted for the snowfall around these parts. Mistake on his end and he knows it. Im clean.
Shake his hand but accidentally put a noticable amount of force in it. For sure staying put on his list of suspects. Cant kill him because he never stays in a group less than 10, cant pick off his bodygaurds because that'll bring attention to my case. He leaves. Go into cave. Lay down in bed. Sleep.
Ask Santa for a favor. Tell him the Elf Detectives onto me for the murder of countless elves. He groans. He knows it's all his fault for allowing me to pick up this habit as a child. Says he'll see what he can do, but he won't hurt the Elf Detective since they're only created during times of great distress for Elf Kind, and killing him would only make a new one appear. I thank Santa and return home to my cave. I begin planning, getting together what I know the Detective knows about me.
He knows my name is George Claus, I'm 21, and I'm the uncle of Santa Claus. He knows that I smoke sometimes, but only outside. He knows I don't drink, but I'm not sure if he saw the contents of my fridge. Thats all he learned in his single visit. Well what do I know about him?
His name is Elf Detective, and he was created fully formed. Death is just an inconvienence to him, but hes only been created about 5 times throughout history. He's smarter than any elf, and can draw conclusions that other elves wouldnt even consider. Slightly physically stronger, not that it would matter. Can only go away when he solves his case.
I sigh and sit in my chair, tired, until I hear the laughter of an elf from miles away. Awakens my senses and needs. I need to. I havent in a few days. But I cant. He's onto me. I know its a trap for me I just know it. I listen again. Another laugh. Silence. I'm sweating. Another laugh. Another laugh. Tapping my fingers against my desk. Grinding my teeth. The laughs have an unnatural gap between them. Jump out of my chair. Silence. I hear another laugh. It's the first laugh, repeated. That son of a bitch. Listen again. I recognize the next laugh. And the next. That sick fuck. That sick fuck! I don't know how long I can go on like this.
I'm writing to you from a new cave. Last night, an avalanche started on the nearby mountain. All my possessions have been completely hidden and stolen from me by what has to be the densest snow I've ever seen in my life. I'm lucky that it happened while I was out grocery shopping in New Elf City. I don't think I'd be able to escape if I was stuck there.
The Elf Detective is surely going to mark this down as suspicious when he sees it. I just know it. He'll stop by to investigate, only to find that my cave has completely vanished. I need to tell him before that happens but. God. I don't want to. And I don't want to tell him where my new cave is either, but I understand that if he asks I'll have no choice but to answer truthfully.
Thankfully, I've been using this as an opportunity to get ahold of more elves. I know it's only been a day since I lost my house, and I really shouldn't have. But, well, I can't help myself. I saw the chance and took it. Hair was starting to fall out from the stress. I was wandering through the Gumdrop Forest last night in search of a new cave to live in. Caught sight of two elves. Followed them for two hours as they walked hand in hand through the trees and snow. They had no idea I was watching them the whole time. They unknowingly lead me to their gingerbread shack.
I waited around in the dark for a while to avoid looking suspicious entering right after them, before walking up to the front door to knock. The kind and sociable nature of Elfkind lead them to invite me in before I could even ask. I entered, and one elf greeted me while the other was in the kitchen. The sight of them really brought back the itch, made my mouth water.
I composed myself. I had to be patient. The elf that greeted me motioned down, and I sat down on a marshmallow couch that barely fit me. Even though I'm only 5"2, I had to duck when I came in. My head almost scraped the ceiling while I sat.
The elf started making small talk, sitting itself down on the marshmallow sofa across from me.
I humored it. I answered its questions (mostly about my hobbies) and it answered mine. Who all lives here? Oh, just the two of you and your kid. How old are they, if you don't mind me asking? Ah. He's 3 months old. Well, I hope you raise him well. Fake a genuine smile. Look down at my watch and yawn. I tell the elf I really should get going, it's kinda late. It pleads me to at least stay for dinner, and grabs my hand. I stiffen for a split second before going back to normal.
I smile and say "Well, okay. Just for dinner, though". Right into my trap. I sit in silence until the elf that was cooking serves us. Syrup soup for dinner. The overly-sweet taste makes me feel sick, but I sip it regardless to be polite.
Elf that cooked it is eyeing me. I check my pockets for my lighter. Still got it. Thank the elves and ask if they wanna walk me to my place. I live in a nice gingerbread house half a mile from here. The elves look at eachother, then back to me.
Must have acted in a way to make them suspicious of me. Must have been high strung from looking at and being around them. Elves refuse to go outside with me. I badger them. Come onnnn. Come onnnn maaan. It's scary out there... It's snowing... They're not budging. Start feeling frustrated.
Remember why I'm here in the first place. Pick both elves up and carry them out the door into the snow. Throw them down, face into the snow. And, well, the rest is history. Feels so good to finally do that again, especially after weeks of having to lay low. I feel myself calming down. Clean up. Decide to cook a little while I'm there. Into the pot. Elf compote. It's so damn good. Tearing up a little. Finish eating, wash up.
Go outside, burn up elf offal with my lighter. Burns quickly, turning into nothing. Decide to keep the gleaming golden hearts, at least for now. Put them in my pants pockets. I tie my hair back, and go into the house. Retrace all my steps. Pick up all the hairs I shed.
About to leave, heard the baby crying from it's room. Eyes go wide. Stop myself. You've had enough. Babies can't bear witness anyway. They can't. Leave the house. It was still snowing. Not a trace of what I've done. Wander around in the dark. The Gumdrop Forest is so big. I came across a cool new cave. Lay down on a flat rock. Well, better than nothing. I can get this place fixed up. I went to sleep, woke up, and got to writing. Threw the golden hearts in a soda lake to dissolve. I want to enjoy this kind of peace while it lasts.